The Internet is where terrible people meet to exchange terrible ideas, terrible pictures, terrible stories, and terrible products. AliExpress is the leading online purveyor of just about anything. Some products there are useful and practical, but its greasy underbelly filled with the dregs of consumer culture. Let’s see what we can dig up.
Stupidest things you can get on AliExpress
This robot is a giant “screw you” to all the useful things out there you can spend your hard-earned cash on. But its pointlessness, like such of the letter “g” in lasagna, kind of makes me love it. If you are feeling down, its silly dancing moves will cheer you up. A few turns of the knob located in the buttocks area will get it going for some time. Just look at it go.
Product link: http://ali.ski/9Fd0W
Dog feeder bank
To this day, you have lived your life as a lowest rung of society. But until acquiring this toy – no, not toy – this life-altering device, you will find you appreciating life for what it is: an open field. This is not a mere coin bank, it is an extremely effective and innovative anti-depressant medicine. And while it is not a good idea to feed copper coins to your dog, this one will be happy to munch on them.
Product link: http://ali.ski/nK0yE
Fidget spinner bottle opener
Fidget spinners are believed to be the cancer of the consumerism. They have overtaken the world populated by energy drink-guzzling dabbing vapers on hoverboards. But I couldn’t comprehend how cringy they were till I saw this one. At first I thought that Harry Potter has missed a horcrux. A piece of Voldemort’s soul lies within it. And only the bottles that are opened with it can heal the emotional pain one may later feel from buying such a thing.
Product link: http://ali.ski/1_4rtP
This definitely not trademarked and totally original character of a human with extraordinary climbing abilities akin to an insect, who, judging by the colors, is most likely a poorly dressed eastern european spider. You may be wondering, so what exactly makes this toy so great. Well, without the need for any grappling hooks, it can break dance on the vertical surface while defying the laws of gravity. It swings unseen like a real ninja, leaving only rhythmic clacking noises behind.
Product link: http://ali.ski/UceK58
Nicolas Cage sweatshirt
I want to continue this list by thanking whoever came up with the design for this truly remarkable Nicolas Cage sweatshirt. Finally, I can step outside with confidence that strangers will not be talking to me. At last I will finally be able to go on with my life without the hardship of having poor social skills. Fun fact: this sweatshirt won more Oscars than The Wicker Man
Product link: http://ali.ski/pvCQsQ
Mini slot machine
If you have a gambling problem, alas – suffer no more! This mini slot machine will help you control your addiction and fight the sudden urges. No more sneaking out and spending all your lunch money during the coffee breaks or the casino tokens: you can get the same adrenaline rush by carrying this thing around in your pocket.
Product link: http://ali.ski/qR3P_
Giant ‘Enter” key button
If you need a bit of a stress relieve, look into getting this giant ‘Enter” key button. Yes, it actually can work as an Enter button. It is unclear how hard you need to press it for it to work, and whether it will lead to even higher levels of stress, but when you are tired from hitting that, you can take a nap on it. Comes as a plug and play device.
Product link: http://ali.ski/W4HQXI
All my life I spent rehabilitating used pencils by planting and watering them, and I was experiencing deep grief over them not growing, until these came into my life. When they sprouted, I thought “that’s it, no more from this dispensary”, but then I looked at the packaging and everything became clear. These pencils are said to have specific seeds in them, and once you are done using them, you can plant them and take care of them, and after some time you can pick the fruit of your labour. Literally.
Product link: http://ali.ski/GyMWJ
Ears sticker notes are pretty useless as stickers in terms of how little information you can put on them, but they will help you turn any book or notebook into an animal of your choice, which will not trigger allergies or require you to take it on walks or clean up after it. The listing has several different kinds of ears available.
Product link: http://ali.ski/F6KqN
If you want to give your cat yet another reason to want to murder you, you can try this bushy and extremely real-looking pet mane. Come October, if your pet is too thin to wear it, get an easy feeder and fill it with healthy nutritious snacks like Twinkies. If you own a dog, not to worry: it can fit him as well. Or if you have an elderly balding lion, the mane will be perfect for him as well.
Product link: http://ali.ski/r4nynh
When my shipment of plush salmon pillows finally arrived, I was just preparing my plate for a sizeable portion of fresh maki rolls. Unfortunately, I was discontented to find out that this is merely a farmed variety of salmon that was force-fed with genetically modified plush, unlike the genuine oceanic wild salmon on a healthy diet natural cotton 2-mile farm to table diet that I was hoping for. Still, not a bad product, that reminds me of my good old days as an inuit fisherman.
Product link: http://ali.ski/Ky9MwE
Have you ever had a severe case case of the itchy back? Coming from the wise maestro, Peter Griffin himself, this thing will help your mom finally reach that sweet spot that hasn’t seen the light of sun for the last couple dozen of years. Just like a classic selfie stick, it has an extending telescopic pole to reach even the darkest areas.
Product link: http://ali.ski/wtn2O
Please note that this Daddle, or daddy saddle, is Western style, and will not be appropriate for those who trained in the traditional British father riding methodic. If you are looking to go father fox hunting, father polo, or father jumping, you will not be able to use this saddle.
And just because I know what you are thinking, I find it important to note, that no amount of duct tape is going to be able to keep your cat attached to the saddle while it is on your back.
Product link: http://ali.ski/tYY1T
Recently I have been entertaining myself with selling my organs on the black market, and I have been having troubles finding a buyer for my lips, because unlike Monica Lewinski’s in 1995, mine are tightly sealed in the shape of a short piece of the fishing line.
But when I found this lip enhancer, I can finally sell them too, pay my rent, and start practicing black magic so I can grow them back. Seriously though, it looks like it is meant as a serious purchase, and there are people who swear by its results.
Product link: http://ali.ski/QXtbJ
Pepe jogging pants
I don’t think these need any further explanation, seeing that these are Pepe jogging pants. Owning one of those can mean one of the two things: either that the pinnacle of your social life is an online match of Tanks, or that neither of the shirts you own have sleeves. If it is the second, you might want to check if she is your first cousin. Ave Pepe! You were my favourite dank meme, and I won’t ever forget you.
Product link: http://ali.ski/WH8Y2